so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
