Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Boobs speak an international language.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
