the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
