Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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