Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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