She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
