Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
