just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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