I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
