Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
