she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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