Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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