you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
