I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
