Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
