the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Someone shit on the floor
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
