is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
