There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
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We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
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There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?