Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
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I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
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Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.