On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.