I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
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I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner