he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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