my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
