i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
