You can't special order awesome
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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