At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
