Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
