This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
