Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
