In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
