Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
