true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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