The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
