nut hugger
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
