I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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