Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
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Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
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I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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