Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
