My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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