I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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