Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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