I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
