Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
