Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
