Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
