im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
