how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
