she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
