Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
