What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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