he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
did i just pee glitter
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
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