Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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