Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
