I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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