Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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