I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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