i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
True college students do jello shots in the library
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
