Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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