Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
