I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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