Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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